Each day without fail, he'll sms "I always love you".
And each day without fail, I would be waiting anxiously for this msg to pop up on my hp screen.
Sometimes without thinking, my head would turn and look towards any bike that passed that resembles his. And each time, I was hoping that it would be HIS bike.

A few days ago, I was downloading some songs from my pc to my new hp and came across some old private videos with him. Our 1st date, 2nd date, ....... 8th date, outside cathay, outside my werkplace..... Gosh I miss those lovely moments together with him... To be loved by him and to have him pay attention to me and my needs. But that was all at the beginning. Since mid of last yr, everything started to change. His focus shifted from me to his job as a Sales Executive and now an Operation Executive for Ban Hock Hin. I stood in the shadows of his career-driven life, once in a while hoping that he would shine a light my way. We met each other only for a few hours once in 2 weeks, if I'm lucky. If not, then once in 3 or 4 weeks. Words can't comprehend or describe how abandoned I felt - Having a BF, but not actually believing that I have one. He's like an ant walking across a white wall; his presence totally insignificant - In Malay "Ada atau takda sama aje". Yet, I still can't bring myself to stop caring for him.

In these 3 weeks without him, indeed, life still remains the same as before, only slightly better with the presence of another male counterpart. Truth is though, I still haven't completely gotten over Mike yet. A big part of me says that I'm being too selfish towards him. That I broke up with him just because I don't get the attention that I needed so much. A slightly smaller part fights back saying that we've not established the kind of connection like me n F did. A tinier part says: "GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"... *Sigh*....

Did he put some black magic on me or sumting?

Yesssaaahhh!!!

I bought a new hp! :p :p

To replace my beloved k750i...

Now can take more pics wif the 3.2mp lens!

Yayyy~!!!

A week has passed since the day we went our separate ways but the memories we made still lingers on around my mind every single day. I know that it's hard for you to accept the fact that we're no longer together. I'm so sorry for hurting you this way... but I truly believe that one day you'll realize what I did was right. I can't love you anymore... I can't even bring myself to think how we'd look like in the future if we were still together. Awak... I cherish the times that we've spent together, but for me.... all those times that we've spent trying to get to know each other have made me realize even more that we're incompatible being together. Everything that characterizes you lies on a higher plane of maturity compared to mine. I'm young, reckless and still very much in love and haunted by memories of my past with my 1st love who's happily leading a married life with 2 kids. I want to experience those moments again. Those childish antics, unexpected giggles and those shy but loving glances that could only be interpreted by 2 people very much in love with each other. If only you were him, you would understand how I feel....

Awak... I didn't meant for us to end this way. For as long as I've been with you, I never meant for us to break up because of a third party. However, I can't deny the fact that there IS someone else. He's there for me whenever I needed someone for company. He did things for me unexpectedly. I didn't want to fall for him.... but I did. Slowly, I became much closer to him than I was with you. And then I realize.... it's true that when you're with someone else other than your own BF, is when you'll realize what you're missing out.

I know you'll always love me.... that you want me back....

But Awak... I'm so sorry for hurting you....

I'm in a dilemma...

SINGLE now.

It's been 2 wks since I last blogged. Many things has been happening to me lately. Let's start with the happy ones 1st.... My 22nd Birthday. Syah, Ayu & Maya asked me out for dinner at Empire Cafe @ Raffles Hotel the night before my birthday, on 19th July. The dresscode for the evening was green & purple, which was my 2 most favourite colours. We had steamboat which includes fried omellete, a bowl of rice and chendol or ice kachang to down everything wif. The durian chendol was really nice, no regrets choosing it. After dinner, we went around Raffles Hotel snapping our photos for memories sake.... the pics are at Ayu's website :

http://ezanandayu.multiply.com/photos/album/76

The next day, F & me went to Suntec to eat @ Olio Dome restaurant. We had the seafood platter, choc truffle and cheesecake. The choc truffle was realli2 small and not does not taste as good as RC hotel's choc truffle cake. Aniwaes, here are the pics :





After dinner, F had to go off to his part-time job as a Bouncer @ NAB. He looks nice in a black suit hehe :p I went up to Equinox for a while and chatted wif Farisha. She asked me whether me and F are together already and I just laughed at her question. I think she's been wanting to noe since the day she saw us queueing for donuts. Mcm belangkas gitu kan... everywhere we go, we're always together. While talking wif Farisha, Mutto the AM asked me to sit in for a glass of champagne on the house since its my bdae. It was hard to resist, but I did for F's sake. Also, I dun wanna sit alone jus holding on to a glass of champagne... mcm pathetic gitu kan... sorang2.

The next day (21st july), I met F again @ Central Library to borrow some comics. I've been into Batgirl, Batman, JSA, Spiderman, Fantastic 4 and Daredevil since the holidays started. Mcm best gitu looking at the colourful and carefully drawn comic strips. It sorts of liven up my spirits everyday when I read comics, like I've been brought into my own world of superheroes. F is some sort of a sleeper. Dtg library jer cari spot nak tido.. tk abez2.. After getting the comics I wanted, we headed to Pastamania @ Bugis and then back to the hotel again cuz he had to work @ NAB again. Then, a dreadful thing happened.. I lost my hp inside the toilet :( I was so sad, I had no mood to go home. So I accompanied him at work ti'll about 11.30pm... then I went home.

The next day, I went to work w/o a hp. It feels so wierd. I was so down the whole day cuz I've lost everyone's number. Imagine not even having ur best friend's number or BF's num at hand. Mcm kehilangan arah gitu... Wana kol my house also need to search for public phones, which are extremely hard to find nowadays... If there was even a public phone, you would see Banglas hovering over those phones for nearly an hour before they kiss goodbyes to their beloved. Feeling so remorse, I decided to collect my replacement sim card that evening. F fetched me from werk and headed to Starhub Shop @ P.S. The service was prompt and fast, which I realli liked. Then we were so hungry... we went to eat @ Bendemeer Road.

The next day was working day.... ti'll the whole of last week....ZZzZzzZz...

Something happened on Thursday (26 July). We took OFF day together and headed down to the beach. It was drizzling..... but its a good thing that we brought a tent. So after setting up the tent for an hour, the Park Ranger came and asked for our permit. Of course, we didn't have one. Now so leceh... have to get a permit to set up tent. Good thing the park ranger didn't chase us away. We spent the whole day there... swimming and suntanning... then at night we had dinner @ Bar & Billiards room @ Raffles Hotel. The food was pretty OK but I think it would be more worth it if there were more varieties of food. There was one part I tricked him into eating the oyster that was on my plate. I love oysters but when I see that oyster moving, I don't dare to eat it. Mcm geli gitu. So, I gave it to him and he happily chewed on the live oysters. Hehehe... I couldn't stop laughing! When he finally finished eating 3 oysters, I told him that those were actualli still alive when u ate them. He stared at me and I laughed.... :p Hehehe... very funnie ah his reaction... he quickly sipped our Shirley Temple drink cuz I think he felt geli also. Yuckkkssss! After dinner, he sent me home....

On Sunday 29th July, Dad brought my family and I to Ayam Penyet Ria Restaurant @ Joo Chiat. I had smashed beef. The food was not realli nice. Actuali, Dad should've just gone to those usual spots we go for dinner cuz their food is much2 nicer....

30th July... Monday... was my brother's 18th birthday. Didn't do aniting for him.. Actualli I wanted to buy for him shirts at River Island.. but he said he wanted shoes. Then me and F went to Little India to eat Roti Naan. After a rather sumptous meal, we headed to Mustafa Centre. The plan was to buy hair oil but we ended up almost 3 hours looking at stuff sold there. There's just sOoOOo many things to see! And we only completed the 1st floor! He promised to go there again :)

31st July, F had sepak takraw tournament at Clarke Quay area CC. His team won 2-0. Then after that we headed to JB to fill up his bike's tank and ate late night supper at a roadside mamak shop. The teh tarik was quite nice :)

Thursday, 2nd Aug we took OFF again and headed to watch The Simpsons @ Jurong East. The movie was realli stoopid. I didn't like it as much as some people did. In fact, the jokes were not realli hilarious. Waste money onli. Then we headed to East Coast again. I dunno y but I love heading to the beach so much. Its like when I'm inside the waters, I feel so free. My problems will drown together with each incoming wave... and washes all my problems ashore. I shouldn't elaborate more...

Aniwaes, thats all the happenings I have in my life....

I'll update more about Sat (4th August) later cuz I'm not in the right frame of ming right now. Gdnyte.

Attention Dear Friends!!

I just LOST my hp :( Sob sob...

Please, please, please forward ur hp numbers to my email:

u0404900@nus.edu.sg

Thanks SooOo MUCH!!

Updates for this week! Like... finally! Hehe... Many happenings as usual lah... But I'll just summarize cuz gonna get some sleep, werking @ 9am tomoro.

Monday - Entertained myself with watching videos over and over again. Watched CNTM on YouTube & some Buffy the Vampire Slayer past episodes on TVlinks.com. Then, met him @ Woodlands to return some comic books. Was pissed off with him for arriving an hour late, so I just headed home. No chances, babe.

Tuesday - Had to drag myself to school to complete the Autocad drawing and finally completed my attachment!! Yayyyy-ness!! Then Farhan a.k.a Kenshi, picked me up from school and we went to NUH to visit his grandad. I kinda miss his company cuz it's been 2 months since the last time I met him and he brought for me my fav Peach Tart! Nasib baik ingat my fav food.. Yelah... org tu kan bz ngan org lain kan kan kan tak ingat kite lagy kan.... Aniwaes after that we headed to Central Library to borrow my comics, then to Bugis Topman and he bought himself a men's cardigan which cost $89 bux! I could buy 10 t-shirts with that money sey... Then after that got this girl from Tony & Guy academy asking me whether I wanna have a free haircut next next wk, and I agreed. Just hafta fix the appointment date, that's all.

Then its time for dinner! He treated me to an advance birthday treat @ Al-Majlis. I had my fav Mixed Sausages & he had Beef Wrap! Yummmmiiieeeeeeee~~~~! And we had a long talk there. Talk and relax and chill and talk and talk. Hehe.... Talk about alot of things that concerns the heart :) I'm glad we had that long conversation and Thank You for the Birthday treat. Then after that we headed for some Pool Action @ Bukit Batok. He thrashed me 6-0! Takpe2.... one day u'll get thrashed back. Then we headed to this secret carpark to learn to drive his car. Haha.... gerek dpt drive kreta! I can imagine myself driving a car in the future :) Amacam... are u still scared of my drifting style.. hmmm? We should do that again someday and I'll show u some of my skills.... but dun close ur eyes with ur hands again when I drift k? Jgn takot.. trust me I can drive. Hehehe.... It was a really good experience and I can see that he missed my company too. I'm sorry to hear about ur relationship... There's alot of nice nice fishies in the sea... Grab a net and catch one nice fishie ok? :)

Wednesday - He apologized to me and we went to JB for lunch and movie. We watched Transformers (2nd time for me) and the new Harry Potter. He slept halfway through Harry Potter.. Idiot sey.. Hehe he say so much talking scenes and less action so overall it's quite boring. I think its because he didn't watch the previous episodes thats why he don't understand what's actually going on. Aniwaes, I've been going to JB like almost every week! Bankrupt sey... but glad got financial backup. Hehehe :p

Thursday - We packed our stuffs and headed to the Beach - again! Haha tak abis2 asik nak berendam jer... we were in the sea for like 3 hours! I had hypothermia in the water.. the water's warm but the air's cold. When we're done swimming and after showering, I had a very nasty flu. Glad that there's Chippy's Battered Fish to warm my internal system :)

Friday - Back to werk @ Restaurant Reservations! First day was hectic sey I had like a large stack of notes to update myself with. Had a bit of a panic attack but after lunch, everything turned out just fine. At about 4pm, I had a surprise msg from an old friend, Imran. Haven't met him for the past 2 yrs. He wanted to ask me out for advance dinner treat. We went to Seoul Garden @ Taka to fill our stomachs up. It's been a long time since I went there... "cook" for myself. Hehe..... by the time dinner ended, I was convinced that I'm 3 months pregnant when I looked at my bulging stomach! Terok betol... sumbat all those food in my perot but the Tom Yam chicken was really tempting. After dinner, he sent me home and I had a chance to try out a few rounds on his Gilera. Senang nak bwk bukak throttle jer all the way. At first it seems abit heavy but when I rode it, mcm ringan gitu and very easy to handle. Just trying out different bikes to see which one suits me the most so I can make a good decision later :)

Saturday - Werk again until 7pm and had lunch with him. I wanted to get Peach Tart from Delifrance but was dissapointed to see that the outlet's no longer there at City Hall :( So I bought 2 bananas from the fruit stall, a packet of Tom Yam Seaweed and Fox sweets... my fav. He picked me up after werk & headed to Little India for some Roti Naan cuz I miss eating that So, sooo much! Then we went to our usual lepak place to spend some quality time together :)

Sunday a.k.a Today - Werk again... but guess what? I earned myself Dinner for 2 at Bar & Billiard Room!!! And its worth like $64++ x 2pax = $128++! Haha... gerek kan? And it's all becoz I managed to get 23pax to dine in for BBR's Sunday Brunch! I had to actualli get a min. of 15 pax to dine in, in order to get the free dinner; which is part of an initiative by the restaurant manager to get us reservation agents to upsell their outlet. Looks like I've got an advance birthday present for myself! :)

Aniwaes... that's all the updates I've got for this week. There'll be more updates next week cuz it's my birthday week! 20th July peeps remember that! Sayonara~~~~

Finally... he landed home safely at 11.25pm last Sat :)

Yes!! 2 More days & finally he'll be back! :) :)

I've missed him too much oready... Arrghhh rinddu bangettt gueee!!

Btw, today team Singapore got into the Finals... hope he didn't fall on his but while flipping...

Hehe... He always remind me of someone very2 dear to me...

That someone that I can NO longer have... That someone I've given my heart & soul to... (But of course my heart & soul has been restored now. Hehe :p )

U noe wad... apart from all the happiness that I feel right now, I noe that one day I'l feel deeply hurt by my own actions. I know both of them will be hurt, especially BF. I noe he'll be dissapointed in me. He has high hopes for our future, but I always doubt that he'll be able to support my future financially or mentally. He wants US to get MARRIED 2 or 3 yrs after I graduate, which is in maybe... 4 yrs time? Me getting married at 26 yrs old eh. Haha... klakar kaper? But 26 is a nice digit ley... its my class index no. during Sec 4 days.

Aniwaes... sometimes eh I feel like me n BF mcm tak serasi gitu ah. Cara pemikiran kite pon lain. I dun realli get along well wif him. But wif the other guy... haha... jgn ckp ah... dah mcm belangkas... takley berpisah skejap pon mesti tercari2... and we can tok about aniting under the sun and stil joke about it. Thats wat I like ah about him. BF's got many good points also. He's a career person, which is good ah. But, soal hati dan perasaan.... die tak Champion.

Haiz... U noe Im really having a very hard time here. When u go out wif other guys then u noe wats realli missing in ur current relationship. For me...its the chemistry, companionship and closeness. The 3 Cs ah kirekan... Nak lepaskan mcm syg... Dah almost one and a half yrs we're together. Furthermore, he realli wants us to get married. Mcm serba salah pulak aku. Nak lepaskan... takot nanti die accuse kite main2kan perasaan die plak. Nie part ade sikit susah ah.

U noe... belom sempat masalah nie selesai... another one more guy came into the picture. Hairul, my ex and also my good friend. We had something going on 5 yrs ago when i was in JC 1ST yr and only 17 yrs old. Our friendship was somewhat like on and off kind. Die suke ilang2 mcm chipsmore. If he knows I'm attached, he'll run away from my life. But then wen Im single, he'll pop back again into my life to try to woo me back again. And yesterday, he confessed his never-ending love for me.... He wants to take care of me. If not, once he passed his TP next wk, he's gonna go dirt riding on his new KTM2 to Malaysia. Giler ah nie budak. Kasi ultimatums plak. Haiz......

My life.... is always full of surprises.

Let's see what's in store for tomoro k? Ryte now... I wanna drown in Didicazli's Dambaan Cinta...

This feelings... its all so wierd..

Why AM I feeling so alone & remorse without his prescence?

I shouldn't feel this way. I'm strong & independant.

I shouldn't be too emotional... Right?

But it's so hard...

Pls come back soon...